she just don't share stuff with people.
well she do share jokes, sometimes sad stuff like economic state or there's-no-zee-avi-album-in-sunway?!!!!!!!! kind of thing, but it's all too surface. She just can't bring herself to say something whenever she feels really really sad, or when something just made her feel utterly uncomfortable and helpless. She likes to laugh yes, she tried her best to understand people, try to pick her words whenever she talks just so that it won't hurt anybody's feeling, she tried... but somehow it's not enough. it's just never enough.
sometimes, she just feel like she doesn't belong. It hurts her so much, until she wants to cry, but she's just too stubborn to let the tears fall. not confident to say anything at all which results to a very unpleasant face expression instead.
people often said 'everything will be ok', but they just don't know how hard it is for her to adjust to all that. she needs to adjust to the surroundings, she has to get into the community, she has to understand and let out everything, she has to learn things just to be part of it, she has to change who she is to be in, she... she... she... what about the others?
heard the saying "it's easier said than done?". it's just not that easy to do all this. she can understand people, but does other people even try to understand her? do they even think of how she will feel in certain situations? do they even take notice of her body language, her face expression ad how certain situation make her feel? she is the type of person who takes notes in this kind of understanding. she's the type of person who likes to look at people's eyes when they talk. she's the type that will look at the person's body language and expression every time she wants to converse. have any of you see her not conversing whenever there's friends around? she LOVES to talk with people. it made her feel like she's part of the group. she likes to listen to jokes, be there when somebody is telling the joke, and laugh at it at the same time.
she is just used to be the last person to know about something. be it in the family affairs, or social related issues. and it doesn't feel pleasant. just imagine yourself in her shoes. she hates it when people do things, and she's just like some electric pole on the side not able to bend, not able to even sway. that's why sometimes, she just prefer to keep quiet and say nothing because she knew that the instant she said something, she will fall to the ground. she don't let her tears fall easily infront of people. sometimes, she even wonder whether people can see her or not.
she knows, maybe it's just her head playing with her. maybe it's just her own self that is at fault here. she knows she will be as strong as a horse tomorrow. be her own self again. but somewhere inside, something is just not the same anymore. she's just furious at herself. angry. angry. angry. questions like, "why can't I do this?" "why can't I do that?" and ended up herself feeling unmotivated, angry, and just lonely. she HATES it when she is being helpless and useless.
she knows she will be okay not long, but everyday, everyday, she will be scared of things repeating itself.
call her selfish, or other bad things...
sometimes, she just hope that people would notice her and understand her instead. if it's even for a tiny little bit, it means a world to her.
on other notes! even though she writes pretty depressing stuff like this, but rest assured, it's not always. it's just some mood swings i guess... she was laughing at some jokes happily, when suddenly her chest feels heavy and it's hard to breathe. and just that she suddenly feels so melodramatic, and end up this post was created _3_
no doubt, she thinks that she is with the most amazing community she can ever ask for. she have amazing friends, amazing families, but sometimes, things are just not enough. well, we're human after all~ so yeah~
SHE WILL TRY HER BEST!!!! optimistic is the key!!!!!
if god decides to take me to it, He will take me through it. YESSSS!! (thanks auntie for this word!) and thanks for the words of encouragement guys~ tralalalala
I should probably spend 1 week doing nothing but sit under a waterfall and meditate WTF xD maybe it can clear up my head