Tuesday, February 14, 2012

in pieces..

my heart broke into pieces today.

i am fighting with myself on whether i should post this up here. but i really think i should. every time something bothers me, i will pour it all down in my blog, but none ever saw the light of day. it's all still in drafts. and i have quite a few of em. i really wish i could say it all out and truthfully here, but i think the problem/ situation i'm facing now is just too stupid to even waste people's time by writing it all down and venting it all out.

heard the news... ok more like SAW the news online, and i totally went jaw drop in front of my computer. gradually, pain invaded my chest, and tears threatening to fall. It really hurts. my chest felt like it was stabbed a thousand times. I cried, tried, but no tears came out, but the sobbing, apparent, that even people who are blind could tell how terribly devastated i was. I tried taking big gulps of air slowly since i think i was hyperventilating. hands shaking. tried my best to close all related pages that started all the mess, and lie down on my bed.

trying my best to cry, but to no avail. chest pain getting even worst. couldn't sleep even though the clock hands almost striking 5am.

deep down, i know this is something not worth worrying about. it's practically stupid. very very stupid. but i couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. i just can't. I wanted to vent it out to somebody, but my friends are either too far away, and there's also that occasional feeling of "i've got nobody to vent this out to", also the "are u kidding me ifa?! your problem is so stupid! it's not even worth mentioning!! spare them your ridiculous troubles!!" I've been keeping a lot of personal problems. ever since i was little i think, i've never been the sort to tell people about my problems. why the heck would i wanna share them some emotional stuff, when i can put a smile on their face??! so little by little, i keep all my problems away. 1 by 1. what frightens me is that, once the "container" is filled, and there is no more space, what would happen? I shudder at the thought of it.

somehow after last night, some part of me has turned inexplicably cold. that part of me that could make me smile even when i am down in the dumps have stopped working. I pray to god that this wretched feeling will go away. I'm just scared that, when the new terms for uni started, i'd have to plaster a fake smile on my face and talk to everybody as if i've got no problems in the world. I'm just so sick of it. very sick of it. my chest is beginning to hurt again.

some friends on twitter have been giving me advice & words of encouragement, asking me to hang out with friends, talk to friends that i won't have trouble talking to. when i run everybody through my head, none came up. it's either they are too far away, or, there is just nobody. i've never felt so lonely in my life. and the thought of sharing my problems with friends that i always shared happy stories with and be the one listening to their problems makes it even more awkward for me to suddenly call them up and share my negative energy. but, i'll give it a shot. what's there to lose eh?

I think one of these days, i need to find myself some counselor and have myself a counseling session. god knows how troubled & twisted person i really am deep down inside. i need some stranger that wouldn't judge me, my stories & my life problem.

*inhale, exhale*

I'm sure it'll all go away soon. that is how i am built. no matter how bad the problem is, i'll always manage to tuck it underneath somewhere. I'm sure i'll get back to my chirpy self soon. for now, let me just sink into my sadness.

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