Monday, January 16, 2012

*punch walls*

i was very frustrated today. everything seems to anger me somehow. EVERYTHING!! even when somebody asks me a question about where i wanna go, what i wanna eat, you name it!!! it's like, i'm ready to explode any second!! just push the wrong button, and i'll go BABOOOMMM!!!

wanted to find somebody to let the steam off, but everytime, EVERY FRIGGIN TIME, i wanted to sms somebody i'll be like "what if this person is busy? what if this person is spending time with ossum bunch of people and i'm there, bothering him/her about my sad sad very sad pathetic situation? and i don't think sharing about my sad sad very sad pathetic situation will do this person any good eh?" T___T do you guys understand my dilemma now??!! i need my zen!!!

i remember talking to this guy, who happens to be the owner of this longhouse that we stayed at during our field research few weeks ago. he was a graduate from psychology (i think) major. so i asked a few things about myself. what does he see when he looked at me? what was his 1st impression about me? he told me, i was the 1st person among all my 9 other friends that he remembered. 1; it's because the 1st time i saw him, i said something like "man, this guy look so scary!" well i didn't realize i said it out loud!! haha so he remembered me right there & then. 2ndly, i was the one who contacted him during the whole process of booking the rooms. i was the middle person. so he remembered my voice. 3rdly; he noticed that i am a very talkative person, easy to get along with, a very fun person. 4thly; i have the leadership quality in me (... i don't know abt this u_u) and he also told me that, in the outside world, i most probably won't have any problem adjusting myself to the people, the environment, the society.

1 thing that bugged me throughout the whole, heart-to-heart sharing, if i can call it that, is... well, the sole question that i really wanted to ask, how do i open up to people?

I know i may look like a very extrovert type, well maybe i do, especially when it comes to socializing with people, talking about light & easy things. but when it comes to talking about topics that is a little bit deeper than i usually talked about, i can feel myself shutting up. it's like, i am scared to say anything and even feared that i will blurt out something involuntarily. I did that once before, talking about something that i shouldn't, but i think i should in a way, but maybe i shouldn't (YOU GET WHAT I MEAN??!!) and i went home regretting everything that i told to that said person. at the same time though, i can feel this heavy weight lifting up from my shoulder. it's the spur of the moment thing i suppose. i was too relaxed and my said friend was relaxed too and sharing stuff related to life. i guess i really did get caught up with the moment. but i assure you, this kind of moment doesn't happen very often in my life u_u

so back to the said topic, i wanted to ask him about this problem of mine, but i don't know what happened in the end, everything just went wrong! well not really. basically in the end, the answer that i really want never came.

but so far, i am blessed with a good friend that will constantly ask me about stuff. things that i will never thought of asking others, and this in a way, trained me, albeit very slowly, into opening up to people even more. well people being that said friend only so far LOL but i am trying!!!

*sigh* was really in a very very bad mood today. so i want to apologize to those (especially my twitter follower) that saw my rant/ bitch anywhere online T_T i swear i don't do it THAT often. so please forgive me.

good bye T__T

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